I can’t make a decision, and it’s making me insane. How do I deal with this?
Last year around this time I had everything already planned for the upcoming 3 to 4 years. It was easy: moving abroad, studying what I love and becoming a successful professional. My biggest worries were missing my family, the food that I find in my country, and my cats. My friends weren’t an issue, as we keep in touch through social media most of the time, even when I was living back home. I didn’t really think about having someone romantically, as just a few months prior I had broken up a long term relationship -6 years- so love was definitely out of the picture for all I cared. But I was wrong, and now I am so very lost. How do I keep myself from losing everything?
Set the stage, turn on the lights.
Now, let’s make it clear: it’s not like it took me by surprise. This person was already in my life, they were just on stand-by. We parted ways before because things got too messy, there was a lot of physical distance between us and it was better that way. We both know now that we were naïve, as we were just teenagers. So after a very overdue apology from my end and a welcoming message from theirs, we started reconnecting. I do have to say, I wasn’t expecting much from the initial message. This mainly due to the fact that we didn’t split in good terms, and I was also under the impression they already had someone in the picture, therefore if they did answer, it would be short and distant. And at the beginning it was like that, however it turned to something deeper, more intimate.
As I mentioned before distance had something to do with our first parting: time difference and physical absence were our main issues. Also, we were too young to handle something like that: it was simply bound to fail. This time around distance was no different, when got talking we were still so far away from each other that we both had sleepless nights just to have a little time to see each other. However, I was hopeful. In my mind what made the difference was that we were older, wiser -so I thought- and additionally, I was already planning on moving abroad, somewhere near. That was enough, right? With months going by and everything getting more serious, my move became even more exciting with them in the picture, not only was I starting a new life somewhere else, but I was also going to finally see this person. So after all the paperwork, all the interviews and all the fees, I jumped on that plane with expectation. Yet, it wasn’t about our relationship, it had more to do with the future as I wasn’t really getting my hopes up. My low self-esteem has taught me that I am replaceable, and I was already prepared for the worst: not working out. And by doing so, I forgot to prepare myself for the best: being meant for each other, which now became the worst-case scenario.
Trapped by love
A month passed before our long awaited meeting, and we didn’t even meet in either of the cities we live. To be fair, they were incredibly patient and understood that I was changing my whole life and needed some time to sort things out, like living situation, university enrollment, healthcare insurance and just overall what it takes to have a life in a new country as an independent adult. Now the sweet thing about this meeting is that we took a big risk, pushed by them in someway and being an insane Aries in my own way, we decided to meet halfway. I took another plane and we were onto something. As expected, the first time we saw each other, we were so nervous that it looked like a scene from a romantic comedy. We had our first date and it was just too perfect. We officialized things there, we were now a couple. When we parted ways, it was sad but no tears were shed, we were able to keep calm “We’ll see each other next time”.
Then a weekend came. One month after seeing each other for the first time I decided to go to their city, as it was better and more convenient. I got there, I was again trembling, and we both were so awkward at the beginning. But after some hours, we were normal again. A lovely weekend together, argument included. This time together started unbalancing everything, my feelings, my plans and my life was running through the cracks their presence was leaving behind. I decided then to state my will, as I worked so hard to get we I am right now, relationship aside: I won’t move with you anytime soon, I said to them through the phone when I got back to my city. Low blow, a fight, but they were surprisingly understanding.
Christmas was approaching, and my ever-loving parents thought it would be a good idea if I took a short trip on that university break. Again, I decided to go to their city. We were so excited about spending our first Christmas and New Year’s together. We made a budget for our presents, which we still didn’t respect, had matching Christmas sweaters, and a lot of plans. Two weeks was all I needed to destroy the rest of my plans, to doubt my decisions and to be in the position I am right now.
It won’t always be a smooth sail
It’s important to note that I worked so hard for over a year in order to save up the amount they asked of me for the visa. I studied, I took exams, applied for universities and prepared myself to move far away from home. I had a goal in mind: Study that which makes me happy, and grow professionally. That’s all I wanted.
I was so lucky that all three universities I applied for accepted me, and I was able to settle for one that I considered would be the best for me. My visa got approved, I found a room in a city where housing is a mess and I started looking for a job in the field I actually want to work in. The craziest part is that I got everything that I wished for, my dedication and sacrifices are paying off. I’ve come so far, and yet now I feel the intense urge of just throwing it all away because they are a part of my life.
I do have to admit that a big part of this conflict is that I am a hopeless romantic. Blame it on my dad, on music, on art and literature around us, but that’s a fact. And by being so I had to pay a high price before. I would love to say that I learned my lesson, but that’s half true. I know rationally that giving up everything up is a recipe for disaster, but my heart starts hurting when I miss them and being together just sound like the greatest thing ever.
Right now, as I write this, as I stand here, in my city, I know for a fact I am not prepared to leave everything behind for them. This thought, this decision makes me feel incredibly selfish, because technically speaking I don’t have much here and relocating once again wouldn’t be so much of a problem. I am hurting both of us, I know that. However, I don’t want to give up a year worth of work, I don’t want to give up on myself.
At this moment, right after Saint Valentine’s Day, I am stating: Love will be on our way for some time, and I am just going to take it one day at a time, one trip a month. If it’s meant to be, we will figure out. If we are not meant to be, I have my passions with me, I have myself.