“Hey, who is he?”, I asked my best friend pointing my hands towards a guy from 11th grade in the boy’s room. That’s how I found out I have a gay gene in my DNA. Ever since then things were different for me. I started staring at random boys that I found cute during the school assembly, gaze around men’s room quite often, cravings to feel the warmth of another boy. Oh god! Where am I going? Haha That’s how almost every gay people find out they are ‘GAY’ I suppose.
To be honest, I had no idea what this feeling is. And I didn’t know how to explore them. Back then there were no Alexa, Siri or Ok Google AI support system to surf the internet as we all do now. Smartphones didn’t exist or even phones with internet connectivity were not that popular. They are only used by the so-called rich people in the country. I can’t tell this to my mom because it is super weird plus I am not sure what’s going on exactly.
So, I decided to go to an internet center to check on a few things or in today’s word, to google something. I booked a slot, got a private cabin and opened internet explorer ( Nostalgic feeling). When the search box appeared, I had no idea what to type in their exactly. So, I typed “ boy love”. And guess what! It showed lots of pictures where hot men showing their body wearing an undie and shorts, men kissing and laying on the bed with ladies, partially naked women, and men.
That was too much for a twelve-year-old. I decided to close every window from the desktop and ran back to my house after paying the bill. When I reached home, my mom was like “what happened, why are you running?”.I had nothing to say, I just laughed it off in a weird manner. Days went like a blink of an eye. I told everything to my best friend to have a relief from keeping everything to myself. Well, guess what? My best friend seems to have the same feelings as me.
I was very happy learning about him and we started to explore together from then. He kind of liked mature men, like men around 35 to 40 years of age. I liked guys who are under 25, I still do. We both have gone through a lot of tough times during our school days. I have been bullied verbally and tortured emotionally for being different than any other kids in our school. We had no one to hear our problems, there was no school counseller in our school apparently and we were too afraid to discuss this with our parents.
We finished our highschool with great troubles and mental stress with above-average scores. Having no idea how to tackle this we said goodbye to each other and I got into a college with a pretty good scholarship. Freshmen year, I was in a dreamy world. Believe me! I was actually intrigued by the male population of the university and that too cute, handsome ones. Later I came to know about Grindr, the best hookup application for LGBTQ people. I installed it and logged in to see what’s actually in there. WOW! I was uncomfortable in uploading my own pictures in there because I felt very dirty seeing the very first outlook and the impression that the application gave me.
I slowly learned that people who are using that App seek sexual pleasures and fun. Damn! It actually made me really curious. I wanted to know how things work between two guys because obviously I know how it does between men and women. Thanks to all the biology classes and now I am a graduate student in bioengineering. Yaay to me haha..! I decided to upload a few pictures of mine which I thought were good and I got very mixed responses. A guy said “ You’re not my type” and I was like WHAT? Another guy asked me “ What are you looking for” and again I numbness because I don’t even know what I am doing in that application.
Again time taught me how to use that platform and I should say that I’ve had enough meetups (not specifying about the experience, maybe later). It’s just that we fall into this unexplainable sense of insecurity and sensitivity when we see most of the boys and girls around us are in sweet romantic relationships and I am here hunting for daddies. Maybe there will be a time when I also feel like to be in a relationship where I would open my mouth to say I Love You most of the time rather than to give a BJ.