Always Be My Not So Secret Crush – The Bad Influence

Sexual harassment and a frienemy kept this secret from coming out.

Photo courtesy of River Road Entertainment

“It’s just some little thing (crush)….Not like everything I do depends on you,” Jennifer Page croons on the only song people know by her, Crush.” the reason these lyrics resonate with me is that often, I will have to let a guy know that my life revolves around me and not him. Seriously, these guys think they have magic dicks or something and that if they “let” you suck them off, they automatically become the center of the universe or something. Nope, sorry sweetie that position is taken by yours truly and I ain’t giving up my crown.

One day, he showed up at my writing group. Under normal circumstances, I would have done what any normal person would do. Take off my clothes, dance naked around him until he paid me attention. If that didn’t work, I would send myself flowers and chocolates to let him know how desirable I am. These are the lessons that can be learned from watching Clueless on an annual basis. And seriously, how is Alicia Silverstone not a bigger movie star? She’s CHER FREAKING HOROWITZ people. We have failed. No wonder we were sent to the 9th circle of Hell.

And this piece has gone off the rails. It’s ok though, Xavier Van Holde is a fair leader and will accept that sometimes I don’t follow the rules. The theme for this was in the fiction part but I decided I was going to make it satirical nonfiction. It’s part of my charm. Also partly why he’s plotting my murder. That and the life insurance policy.

Lumber Dancer

Alright, let’s get back to this. This is about a crush who never knew that he was the object of my affection (great Jennifer Aniston movie btw). Ok, let’s be real, I’m about as subtle as JLo wearing the Versace dress. We both demand attention and usually get it. He knew I liked him and vice versa. He may say he’s straight on Facebook but the bedroom eyes he gave me told me that it wouldn’t even take two beers to get his pants off.

In his defense, he never actually said vocally he was hetero. It just seemed to be Facebook official. But telling him that I liked him seemed like a bad idea. My writing group had been roiled with sexual harassment complaints because another member had decided that writing actually meant dating and when a female said she wasn’t interested, she was the most interested ever.

Still, my crush was pretty to look at and fantasize about. And boy howdy, did I fantasize about him. Some of the fantasies were a little more realistic than others. Unless someone knows how to make us gravitate while having sex. If someone were to share that secret with me, I would be eternally grateful. Not enough to share my secret stash of tequila but maybe we can negotiate a night out on the town. Or filming the sex and selling it on the internet when I run for President? That sounds suspiciously like the plot of Sex Tape, damnit Cameron Diaz.

I want to punch that now former member in the nose for keeping me from my destiny. Well, not destiny but maybe a fun few hours. Who knows maybe we could have been friends with benefits, nope we are not referencing that movie because we hate Justin Timberlake. We’ll go with some fun with No Strings Attached, damn we hate Ashton Kutcher too! Mila Kunis has horrible taste in reel and real life lovers. She and I need to grab a drink sometime and discuss this. And discuss whether or not I would be able to seduce Seth MacFarlane.

Laugh Alike

Yes, I find Seth MacFarlane incredibly sexy. I’m also hoping he Googles himself and the word sex and will see this pop-up. We all have dreams, Jessica! There’s something about a man who can make me laugh that gets the engine roaring to life. Oh yeah, that was a sex pun. A sex pun to come. Shoot, does American Dad count as a rom-com? No, right? It does now, so keep quiet or you can talk to my manager, Karen. Oops, sorry, Xavier. I think there’s a bounty on my head now.

Anyhow, the fastest way to get my pants off is to pour tequila down my throat. But a distant second is to make me laugh. Making me laugh is actually a way to get me to fall in love. There are so few people who can actually get a genuine laugh out of me that when a guy does, we should just march down the aisle because he’s clearly my soulmate.

My crush got me to laugh a lot. Some times he did it intentionally and others he claims it was unintentional. There was yet another former member of the writing club, she hated my crush. There was no reason for her irrational hatred but like Thanos in The Avengers: Infinity War she trudged on with inexplicable anger. What do you mean Infinity War is a superhero movie and not a romantic comedy? Didn’t we all laugh when half the world was turned to dust, and Spider-man lay in Iron Man’s arms begging for one more bang? Maybe we watched different versions of the movie.

Our hero in my story, would find little ways to needle the villainess. He didn’t play to her game and sometimes was actually quite rude to her. Somehow this made it even funnier to me. When someone is a nasty person inside and out, it’s ok to be mean. There’s an old saying to back me up, “Oops…I did it again,” it was said by our great philosopher Britney Spears.

You know what else she said, “I like cheesy grits, ya’ll.” Think about that. As for my crush, well, he’s my cheesy grits. And while I never told him, he’s smart enough to have figured it out.

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