Previously on Schitt’s Creek: The premiere for The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening went to shit. Patrick got high and mentioned wanting to have kids then later said it was fine (and then it was fine but maybe it wasn’t).
Back in November, I went up to NYC for a friend’s birthday party. We’d spent the night doing a Hot Ones challenge. Hot Ones as in the popular web series where celebs get interviewed while eating increasingly hotter wings.
As the gay Latino in the room, I felt I needed to prove how tough I was by doing the challenge. I made it to wing 6 or 7 and the chemical warfare going on inside of my body rebelled. I felt hot, I felt cold, I felt nauseous, I felt like I might crap my pants. I nearly had a panic attack on the couch while everyone else was all, “Oh, hm, these wings are kind of hot.” I threw up what felt like the most I’ve ever thrown up that night. I was a total nightmare to everyone around me — I didn’t want anyone to look at me or talk to me. As I left the party that night, I apologized to the hosts for yelling at them when they asked me if I was okay.
The next day, my friend and I both ended up yelling in her room because we’d rubbed our eyes when we woke up and hot sauce apparently stays on your fingertips/nails for a really long time even after you’ve washed your hands 800 times.
We left her apartment feeling hungover and brain fried. We were talking about Schitt’s Creek.
“Do you…do you think Ted and Alexis are going to break up this season?” I asked her.
“Yes, definitely,” she said. I pouted and stomped my feet on the cold Brooklyn sidewalk. My beloved Ted couldn’t get dumped by my beloved Alexis…again…right?
So, this episode begins with Moira doing an appearance on a Hoda and Kathie Lee type show. It’s weird and feels un-Schitt’s Creek like but also works because of course it does. A video of the crows attacking the The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening premiere went viral. But viral in a good way because Alexis and Moira have both insisted it was a “carefully orchestrated, entirely deliberate stunt.” We learn the movie is trending on Interflix (what the hell does that even mean though) and BuzzFeed is even calling Moira for an interview. Alexis is even sent a ton of flowers from Interflix because of her supposed great PR stunt. Moira even gives Alexis an incredibly uplifting speech about being on the “precipice of a dream come true.” Finally, a god damned win for Alexis this season!
But that win might not be so great for Alexis and her long-term plans with Ted. Sigh.
Meanwhile, in Patrick and David land, we learn Patrick purchased a table from Jake. Don’t recall that name? Well, he’s not Mutt, Jocelyn and Roland’s son who we haven’t seen for a few seasons — but I sure did think that at first even though they realistically look nothing alike. Jake is the Gambit from the X-Men type of suave, overly flirty dude who was sleeping with David and Stevie at the same time. He lays it on heavy with both David and Patrick and my brain exploded into thoughts of, “YES PLEASE DO THIS THEY DESERVE A GREAT THREESOME WITH THIS HOT DUMMY.” Jake tells them to come by for some whiskey tonight and I was ready to risk it all for this fictional hot man — so I really wanted Patrick and David to do it! My boys don’t have a lot to do in their small town — they deserve a night of fun!
The entire time Alexis was Skyping with Ted I kept thinking, “Oh god they’re going to rip out my heart and make them break up, aren’t they?” Alexis was clearly thinking she couldn’t leave while her career was ready to take off. And, let me tell you, I’ve made worse decisions for way lesser men — I once passed up a really great interview with a dream job for a man who ended up dumping me the day my grandma went into Hospice care. So, while Ted would never do that to Alexis…I felt myself not knowing what I wanted to happen but being nervous about the outcome. Ted just come home challenge!
Then, before Alexis could say it, Ted told Alexis she shouldn’t come because he is a supportive wonderful man and wants her to pursue her career and also because he knew she’d hate it there. It was a really great moment to remind us just how good a boyfriend Ted is. But, as they are about to get sexy over Skype, some fire ants invade Ted’s room and he has to sign off before she gets a chance to say, “I love you.”
Patrick and David arrive, with Patrick wearing his hottest/tightest shirt, at Jake’s place only to find out it’s a party. A sex party! And surprise, Stevie is there too!
“Can I not have one thing for myself?” — Stevie but also me when I see my Twitter crush flirting with other men on my timeline.
Oh and, we see Johnny, Roland, and Ronnie trying to take a newly single Bob out to teach him how to mingle. They are all, unsurprisingly, incredibly unhelpful with nabbing Bob a date.
Moral of the Story here: don’t give up your dreams for a man but also never do the Hot Ones challenge unless you’re ready to rub hot sauce into your eyes for almost a full week.
Best Moment: Alexis not being Mic-ed for the interview in the opening.
Favorite Outfit: Patrick in his Date Night Threesome Muscle shirt. Those arms and that chest were lookin’ right!