Then you are probably gay
Porn has never really been my poison. When I was a teenager, the internet connection to my tiny family home could barely cope with forwarding a chain email, so the notion of watching internet porn was never really entertained. As I did not develop any early porn habit, yet have a wild and vivid imagination, I have spent most of my masturbatory life within the wonderful confines of my own brain.
Feeling a little frisky and adventurous last week I decided I would whip out the old notebook (not slang for penis) and see what jollies could be had from a popular porn site. These days I have fast internet so it seemed like a good time to dip a toe in, or watch someone else do it. On entry to the site I was asked to confirm that I am over 18 years old, yes, and then was given the option of being directed to the “gay” or “straight” porn sections of the website. As I am not gay, or so I thought, it was an easy choice and I clicked on the straight section and readied myself for a bit of hetero action.
I retrieved my three and a half inch floppy (slang for penis) from my pants and commenced scrolling down the page to see what delights would unfold. Almost immediately I noticed that there was an issue; the third video down the page was of two men in bed with a woman, one with his penis in her vagina and the other with his penis in her anus. The question I asked myself was “does two naked men with erect penis’ touching in a sexual act constitute straight porn?” I was a little vague about the matter but decided to chalk it up to my own inexperience and continued on my journey. After all, who was I to judge.
Unfortunately, shortly after, I hit another pair of road bumps. Somehow, a video of two lesbians having sex had inadvertently found its way into the straight section. As lesbian is the letter ‘L” in LGBT and gay is a common collective noun for all queer people, this instance of gay porn seems to have been misplaced in the straight section. Further scrolling illustrated that this mistake had been replicated hundreds, if not thousands, of times and that all of the lesbian porn had been mistakenly placed into the wrong subsection of the site. The same mistake also occurring for FFM threesomes. What upset me most about this was the thought that lesbian women would probably believe that no lesbian porn exists on the internet! After all, why would they think to look in the straight section!
I decided to push on in my quest but was almost immediately befallen, yet again, when I chanced across a series videos starring trans women. The strange thing was that no matter what sexual activity they were engaged in, no matter with whom or in what combination — it was all here, under straight porn. It turned out, contrary to beliefs that I previously held, that all trans women are straight no matter what sexual activities they preferred.
But then the thought hit me that maybe I was wrong and that these videos were intentionally situated under the banner of straight porn and that these were not accidents after all. Maybe I just didn’t know what straight and gay meant. The foundations of my understanding of sexuality were being rocked and it was an extremely uncomfortable experience for me. I felt disoriented and confused, ashamed, my hands were clammy, my brow sweaty and my floppy penis entirely unmoved. Maybe I’m gay?
To determine whether I was gay I decided to reopen the website and this time enter the gay section. I was initially assuaged when what I mostly saw were videos of two or more men having sex. This is certainly what I expected and I began to calm a little. Until, moments later, it happened again! I clicked on a “bisexual” video expecting to see a man or woman having sex with another man and woman but what I encountered was one woman and one man having sex. What I previously thought of as straight porn. In the video, after a little coitus and good old fashioned missionary, the woman proceeded to put on a strap on and they did a bunch of anal stuff together. As most men know, yet few explore, men have a g-spot in their anus that is extremely erotic when stimulated. It would make sense that in a relationship between a man and woman they would explore their sexualities and find all the places that feel great and, to me, that was what was going on here. But according to the porn world, it turned out that a man and a woman exploring sexuality together was in fact a form of bisexuality. You probably think that I’m lying and another man snuck into the bed at the 11 minute mark but I can assure you that I watched all 18 minutes unblinkingly and that no one else was involved. I desperately pondered how on earth this could be considered bisexual when there wasn’t a second sex? It confounded and bamboozled me and led me to seriously question my own sexuality even more.
If a man having sex with a woman is bisexual then what about some of the things I have done. And then it occurred to me. My entire life I have been a man – I have a man’s penis and a man’s hand. I masturbate my own man’s penis with my own man’s hand directed by my man brain.
So if two women having sex and FFM/MMF threesomes are straight, if all sex between and with trans women is straight, and a man and a woman having sex is bisexual — then the only logical conclusion to draw from all this is that I must be gay because it has always been a mans hand that has jerked me off.
I’m anxious about coming out to everyone, especially my girlfriend — I can’t imagine we’ll last too much longer.