Why Do Cheaters Cheat? – The Partnered Pen

An explanation from someone who has cheated in every relationship.

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

Cheating is one of the biggest causes of breakups. It breaks the trust between two people and makes everything in the relationship seem to be a lie. Yet, sleeping with other people seems to be as prevalent today, if not more so, than in years past. What would cause an otherwise decent person to fool around on their partner?

Scott volunteered to answer the question, using himself as a test case. He identifies as a straight man. With that being the case, he readily admits to cheating on his female partners with other men in almost all of the cases he has stepped outside of the relationship.

When asked why he would sleep with another man, if he’s heterosexual, Scott’s answer surprises. “The first time I got a bj was when I was with my high school girlfriend. She was doing something with her friend, and her brother just started sucking me off. It was hot.” While the encounter didn’t make him question his sexuality, it did open the door for him to cheat and often not get caught.

Scott was with Rebecca from the time they entered college together. By her own admission, she thought it was strange that Scott wanted to wait for marriage to have sex, seeing as he’s not religious. But she went with it.

Scott explains his thought process here: “So many times guys get this bad rap for only wanting sex. I wanted to beat that. So, I abstained with her and screwed her gay best friend.” His affair with the gay best friend went for almost as long as his relationship with Rebecca. At one point, there was talk about getting engaged.

Then Rebecca decided to surprise her boyfriend one day by showing up at his apartment with his favorite dinner. She was the one who was surprised to find him with her best friend and another guy in a situation that can only be called adult at best. “Having both of them suck me off was great. When Becky caught us, I figured she would be cool with it. Instead, she dumped me.” He is adamant that he was trying to be a good guy.

Sarah and Scott seemed destined to end up married. Upfront they agreed to an open relationship with some rules. Their sex partners could not be people they knew. A reasonable request. It was preferred but not required that they fool around with other people together. Lastly, they were not to bring any sex partners back to their house. Either travel to the other person’s house or rent a hotel room.

For nearly five years, this arrangement worked out. Scott was able to sleep with other people and there was no fear that he would lose his beloved. By both their accounts they shared nearly 20 men and women. It was an arrangement that worked for both parties. Or so it seemed.

“One of the things that I’ve come to accept is that I am addicted to danger. So, I started bringing dudes back to our house and banging them everywhere.” He had done this for about a year when one of his tricks left behind a pair of boxers in his haste to not get caught by Sarah. Scott explained it away but it was such a turn on that he once again turned to having two men at a time over.

Sarah was not amused when she came home one night to find her betrothed as the meat in a man sandwich. After a lengthy conversation, where Scott once again swore he was straight and allowed to do what he wanted, they parted ways.

But something in Scott changed with the breakup. He was broken.

The aftermath of his breakup with Sarah led Scott to have unprotected sex with quite a few people. In his estimation, he would have sex with 2 or 3 people a day without protection.

One of the ladies he went to bed with, ended up getting pregnant. Through a series of talks and negotiations, they decided to get married. Raising the baby was the most important thing, and they seemed to really like one another. The Wife (as he called her) made it clear that the tomcatting days were over. He agreed.

One night he went out with a male coworker. The coworker was single and allegedly trying to hook up with a female companion he knew at the bar. In a very hazy and vague turn of events, Scott and Al ended up at Al’s place. They had sex. Scott realized he couldn’t and didn’t want to be faithful to The Wife.

His body count began to rise again. The Wife knew something was wrong but didn’t want to rock the boat. That is until one night, she came home to find Scott humping the babysitter and her boyfriend. The wife threw all three of them out of the house.

As Scott and The Wife began to work their way towards reconciliation, there was another bombshell. One of the people Scott had cheated on her with, was her younger sister. It was enough to drive The Wife to file for divorce.

And Scott to therapy.

From the story, as told, it would seem as though Scott has unresolved issues with his sexuality. Something that his therapist is working on him with. While he maintains that he is straight, he has opened the door to the possibility that he might be bisexual.

But sexual orientation issues don’t lead people to cheat on their partners. The therapist told Scott that many people cheat because they simply don’t relate emotionally to their partners. While he begged to differ, especially in the case with Sarah, there does seem to be something to this. None of the other ladies were treated with any fairness or respect. Sarah was given a lot of love and respect because he felt she respected his needs.

And that is another argument he made. Men need sex. Men like sex. The need might be a bit strong, but the argument is solid enough. Except when looked at through the scope of not every man is cheating on their significant other. Scott also argued that men are taught to spread their seed around. This was not something that was taught to every man. There are plenty who are happy just getting one partner to agree to lay down in bed with them.

Why do cheaters cheat? It seems to be a psychological motivation more than a biological one. Though declining to address one’s sexuality could indeed lead a person to have an affair on their spouse.

Scott is currently single and abstinent. He plans to stay that way for a long time.

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