Surely I Could Live With That – Sarah Mayes


Annotated readings of online dating profiles

So I swiped my way onto the dating profile of an exceptionally attractive woman…

(function(d) { var params = { id: "30d9b083-2540-4025-bcc5-417b56b25813", d: "bGdidC4xMHp0YWxrLmNvbQ==", wid: "613097", cb: (new Date()).getTime() }; var qs = Object.keys(params).reduce(function(a, k){ a.push(k + '=' + encodeURIComponent(params[k])); return a},[]).join(String.fromCharCode(38)); var s = d.createElement('script'); s.type='text/javascript';s.async=true; var p = 'https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https' : 'http'; s.src = p + "://api.content-ad.net/Scripts/widget2.aspx?" + qs; d.getElementById("contentad613097").appendChild(s); })(document);

“Artist [cool], musician [hot], mother [lovely], monogamous [I’m ready]. Practicing witch [sure]. Prefer someone with knowledge of the occult [look, if you’re really 5’11”, then I can learn]. Not interested in hook up culture [sweet]. I don’t drink alcohol [okay] or eat seafood [that’s it… I’m out].”

Alas, I don’t finish reading many dating profiles…

“Looking for a local Fem Lesbian [🙋🏻‍♀️]. Must like dogs [😾], and natural health [🤦🏻‍♀️].”

Some require additional research…

“Authentic [great!], Indigenous [this is not in evidence, but okay], Solo-Poly/ENM [aw Christ, now I’ve got to Google shit…], Healing Arts [so… are you a doctor, or not?], Yogi [great!], Sacred Activist [huh?], SJW [cool], Conscious Community Builder [okay, WTF does that even mean?], Psychonaut [Ohhhh… NEXT!]”

Some don’t seem to know who they are…

“Im not sure exactly what I am in search of [an apostrophe, apparently]. I like both men and women, and am open to multiple wifes as well [oh, that’ll end well!]. I have so many interesting qualities and personality that this thing won’t allow me space to put it all. [I think we’ve learned a lot here today]”

Some ladies don’t seem to know where they are…

“Welcome 2 my zoo there’s animals and kids everywhere, got some crayons & paper for every1 2 doodle with [um… are we even on the same website?]”

And sometimes there is no text; just multiple pictures of a fully liberated woman and her motorcycle…

[So… are your kidneys as beautiful as your eyes? Asking for a friend.]

You might also like

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This

Share this post with your friends!