All the Kids On This Show Are Surprisingly Well Adjusted

Judging by the amount of press posted up outside Bette’s house the morning after her daughter’s play, you’d think she was OJ Simpson hiding out hours after the Bronco chase. I don’t know how her gently shoving a man down some steps in self defense (and he seems fine??) has solicited this much attention, but apparently Bette is a big fucking deal in this mayoral race and the tabloids can’t get enough of this very lukewarm love affair.

Alice cuts through the crowds outside Bette’s house, looking like a pastel MC Hammer, with Shane following behind her. Determined to make this all about her, Alice gets mad at Bette for not telling her she was still having an affair. Because this somehow gives her daytime talk show less credibility? But didn’t we kind of kiss credibility goodbye when we invited our friends on the show and didn’t fact check their stories? We sure did! Anyway, Alice is pissed and leaves, because she didn’t come by to see how Bette was doing, she came to rip her a new asshole and then go indoor skydiving.

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After Alice leaves, Bette suddenly remembers she has to take Angie to the DMV for her driver’s test later that day and basically loses her shit and says she has to quit the campaign because it’s all too much — even though she’s really rich and has a completely competent co-parent she could call. Shane offers to take Angie, but this apparently doesn’t satisfy Bette, who continues to freak out.

As Bette’s walking toward the door to announce to the press waiting in the bushes that she’s no longer running for mayor, Dani pops out of the woodwork (go home!!) to stop her. That’s when Bette, FINALLY, tells her, “You cannot tell me what to fucking do.” Yes, Bette, YESSSSSSS. It’s unclear why she’s been letting a 22-year-old push her around this entire time, but at least she’s snapped out of it. Bette then opens the door to find her ex-wife, Tina, whose hair is the color of watered-down Fanta.

Finley and Tess wake up at the bar together after a night of intense L Word sex and Finley immediately gets them some alcohol because I don’t think she understands how sobriety works. (Also pretty sure she’s still drunk from the night before, but that could just be Finley’s personality, it’s a tough call.) Tess has a missed text from her sponsor, Carol, at 2am saying “Don’t do it. I’m here for you.” But are you, Carol??? Where were you nine hours ago??? Then Shane walks in on their early morning topless happy hour and is like WTF, judges Tess for falling off the wagon, and tells her this is a “fireable offense.” lol okay.

Back at Bette’s house, where she’s under quarantine, Tina is talking fast on the phone about TV people stuff. Then she asks Bette, of all things, if Jordi was good in the play the night before?? That’s what you want to talk about right now?? After discussing whether or not Angie and Jordi have kissed yet (they haven’t), they finally segue into the stair-pushing incident and it’s obvious Bette’s starting to crack. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” she says, breaking down. Then Tina gets a phone call from her mystery boo and is like “ooo yeah gotta take this sry” and walks away.

Back at the millennial villa, Sophie is venting to Finley while making a sandwich (“sando” to Finley). She’s mad because Dani’s been avoiding her since the confrontation with her dad (break up already!!). Then Finley makes it weird by talking about how hot her mom is. She also says she loves talking to Sophie, but up until this point Sophie hated her?? Their friendship is weird.

Everyone is real mad they didn’t know about Bette’s affair sooner, as if that’s the thing they should be focusing on rn. Pierce, who works for Bette’s campaign, is mad Dani knew and didn’t tell him. In her high-waisted power pants, Dani tries to win him back by explaining how special Bette is. But Pierce is disillusioned and is like “you guys are probably gonna fuck so I’m out” and leaves. It was a smart move because this shit is only gonna get messier from here.

As Shane and Quiara wait outside the DMV for Angie to finish her test, we learn Quiara is a famous singer because a fan awkwardly approaches her for a selfie. When Angie passes her test, Shane tells her she can drive anywhere she wants and she chooses Jordi’s house. I know this plot is supposed to be cute but I kind of don’t care about teenage romance. I’m dead inside! Sorry!

At brunch with the truple, Alice is explaining to her girlfriends, Nat and Gigi, why she’s upset Bette didn’t tell her about the affair, because, again, this is all about her and nobody can ever forget it. Nat says something cyptic about how in life we avoid people who tell us the truth and then she stares longingly at her ex. (They’re gonna leave Alice in this thruple by herself real soon.) Then Nat and Gigi start to pet Alice’s shoulders, telling her she’s good friend, when the server comes by and says something innocuous about “best friends.” Gigi, offended, says “we’re not friends.” Okay, Gigi, she’s just trying to drop off the check, she doesn’t need all this. (The server is all of us when she says: “Oh, okay wow.”)

Back at Bette’s house, Tina is still b i t t e r about her relationship with Bette. Now doesn’t really seem like the time to get into it, but go off. She basically says she’s glad Bette was able to make space for Angie (her daughter!) because she never made space for her (ouch!). Then she talks about all the space Bette took up and how she was forced to sacrifice her own life for Bette’s career and feelings. Haven’t we had time to work this out in therapy over the past decade???

Then they finally talk about the reason they’re trapped inside the house: the affair with Felicity. Bette once again explains how Felicity was there for her during her sister Kit’s death and that’s why she feels so connected to her. Then she makes Tina feel bad for not attending the funeral. Tina says she’d only just moved out and wanted to give Bette space. First of all, just go to the funeral, like, come on. Second of all, if ya’ll just broke up how is Felicity already in the picture? Can any of them ever just be single???

At this point I start to wonder if the writers have completely forgotten about Micah’s storyline. It was extremely boring, so I wouldn’t be surprised. If they need some ideas: José isn’t an artist he’s a serial killer and he’s murdered Micah and hid his body in the pool house; José and Micah laundered money from Dani’s homophobic father and are driving off into the sunset a lá Thelma and Louise (but they live); They have a conversation of substance and actually become fully fleshed-out characters.

Back at the villa, Finley is swimming in their private pool while Sophie texts everyone in her phone to see if they want to hang out instead. It’s honestly weird how quickly she went from not wanting to hang around Finley to there now being this weird will-they-won’t-they-hookup vibe. This whole show is basically just wondering who will spontaneously start fucking. Then Finley asks Sophie if she’s broken and Sophie’s like “no let’s have a bro night.” (Has anyone on this show heard of counseling?)

Outside Jordi’s house, Quiara and Shane awkwardly explain to Angie how you know if you love someone. It has something to do with Paris, Vogue, and being hot. “Yeah, sure,” Angie says, regretting asking the question. Then she tells Jordi she loves her, Jordi says it back and they kiss. It’s cute but also I still don’t care. Shane and Quiara cheer like softball coaches from the backseat of the car and somehow, during this brief period of time, Shane is convinced she actually does want kids now. Problem solved!

Sophie is getting drunk with Finley for bro night and talking shit on Dani, calling her a “little fucking fuck.” (They are not in a good place.) She also thinks Dani wants to hook up with Bette, which, same. It’s becoming more painfully obvious Sophie and Finley are gonna hook up now and, like, why???? Just no, please. Some of them could not hook up with each other. That’s possible, too.

For some reason they had bro night at Dana’s, where Tess is the only employee, and Finley complains about having to see Tess. Tess, who is still drinking covertly under the bar, basically makes fun of Finley for getting so hype about their hookup. Finley’s her usual cartoon self and is all “copy that” and shit. But they’re still my favorite couple and I hope they’re not done hooking up.

Then Shane comes up to them at the bar to kick Finley out of her house because Quiara’s moving in and they need a baby room. (Guess there weren’t as many spare rooms “in the back” as Shane initially thought.) Kind of cruel to give Finley a taste of the good life only to kick her out with a week’s notice, sending her back to her one-bedroom in Koreatown with her five roommates. But, also, good call.

Feeling bad for her, Sophie invites Finley to live with her??? She barely liked this person a few episodes ago, but okay. “I need a buddy and you’re it,” she says. Pretty obvious she’s desperate and using Finley for companionship. Then “Closer” comes on and I’m instantly in a better mood and Sophie and Finley dance and get real close to hooking up and I’m shouting “noooo!” at the TV and then, thankfully, they don’t. But when they bike home Sophie tells Finley, “You’re the best part of my day.” Since when??

Also, at this point, I realize it’s 41 minutes into the episode and there hasn’t been a sex scene! It’s a new record! I’m expecting a massive orgy in the final scene.

At Bette’s, Tina tells Angie she had to leave and couldn’t be present in her life because she’s busy finding herself??? Okay Tina. Take that shit to Burning Man. “Finding yourself” is not an excuse to be an absentee parent. This whole plot is triggering. Also the lack of resentment and hurt on Angie’s part is astonishing. But then again, I don’t think the kids are on this show to be fully fleshed out human beings, more for us to be like “aw how cute!” and move on.

Alice, Nat, and Gigi have a fight in the car ride home from brunch about who they can tell they’re in a thruple to. By the time they get home, it’s night time. (These women really have nothing to do.) They decide it’s best if Gigi doesn’t stay over, and she only kisses Alice goodbye to be a bitch. Healthy!

When Alice and Nat go to bed, they find letters from Nat’s kids addressed to their three moms, thanking them for the things they do, like making breakfast and filling up the swear jar (because Alice is always screaming “fuck” at them). They figure since the children aren’t damaged (yet), they should double down on the whole thruple thing (despite some obvious red flags), and they invite Gigi back. All of the children on this show are surprisingly well adjusted given the circumstances.

Meanwhile, Dani is still avoiding her life by dedicating all her time to Bette’s campaign. She tells Bette that she changed her. (Okay, so maybe they are gonna bang after all.) Somehow, Dani convinces Bette to go out and give “the speech only she can.” K. So Bette walks out the door and instantly starts giving a press conference. Instead of addressing the affair or how she pushed that man down the stairs, she talks about her sister’s death and why she’s running for office. She says she never wanted to exploit her family’s pain — weird, then, that you’d wait for a PR crisis to share this story…..

When Dani finally comes home to face her miserable life, Sophie wakes up spooning Finley on the couch and then tries to talk to her fiancé who shouts, “I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.” Can’t wait for the wedding!!

Oh and Bette wants Tina back blah blah blahhhhhh.

Is Micah okay????

Tune in next week, dykes.

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