Reflecting back on the signs that I knew it wasn’t right with my ex… It was a bunch of different thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t self-aware enough either at the time so that was probably a big deal. I also knew we were different in a lot of ways. I thought we could stay together despite our differences, but I think the differences were too big.
- She loved drinking and partying and I was the opposite
- I forced myself to like the things she liked (red flag)
- We had different core beliefs and values
- When she broke up with me, I felt a big sense of relief. It was light a weight lifted off of my shoulders, even though it hurt that we ended
I can’t really explain it, but it was just a feeling inside. I resisted and tried to make things work even though we fought all the time. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was meant to be like, I just went along with what she liked in life. I think ultimately it went against who I was inside.
My gut feeling gently nudged me, by the end of it however I think my gut feeling was screaming at me. “This isn’t right! Why are you still here?” I stayed because I was scared of being alone. I really didn’t like myself, I felt confused about my sexuality and was an anxious mess. I clung on to my ex for dear life because I didn’t know who I was.
The lyrics in Landslide by Fleetwood Mac sum it up nicely:
“I’ve been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you.”