The Intimacy of Lesbian Sex Has Always Made Me Anxious


I knew I was gay when I was 14 and I came out shortly after. Since then, I’ve had many short relationships and occasional flings. What blows my mind is that I was never able to come at the (literal) hands of another woman until I was a sophomore in college. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

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I’ve always found it annoying that a guy could have sex for one minute and come (talking about high school and college guys). It seemed like something that didn’t evoke as much anxiety as I would feel when I would hook up with a girl. I’ve come to realize (ha) that lesbian sex (just meaning two females, irrespective of their sexual identities) is just different in terms of intimacy. While people are right that gay sex is just sex, I think we do ourselves a disservice if we view it exactly on par to heterosexual sex.

What I mean by that is that lesbian sex is inherently different. For most women, lesbian sex involves one person giving and one person receiving at any given time. A lot of people assume that lesbians scissor, which I have not found to be the case with any other lesbians I have talked to. We also don’t 69 very often (or at least with one night stands) and strap-ons, while used, are not used fairly frequently at least in my case. So that means that one woman is being fucked at one time, whereas in straight sex, it’s usually both partners at the same time.

So why does this difference matter? Well, for some women, being the only partner being fucked can cause major anxiety. I’ve been in this position almost every time. Thoughts like “am I taking too long to come?” and “is she enjoying this?” come up all the time. These thoughts can make it harder to orgasm. So essentially we are making our anxiety about not being able to come, come true.

Is there anything we can do about this? Are gay women just doomed to be anxious during sex? I used to drink before a woman would fuck me, just so I would be less nervous. That’s something I’ve stopped doing (for the most part) and don’t ever want anyone else to do.

During college, I’ve learned some ways of dealing with these feelings of anxiety surrounding sex (pretty much just when I’m receiving). These ways can also help if you’re a woman who has heterosexual sex that includes one person at a time being fucked.

  1. Having sex with a partner I’m comfortable with. This is by far the best way I’ve found to reducing or eliminating my anxiety about receiving. When I know my partner well, that generally means that she knows me well too (including my body), so it’s way easier for me to come, therefore I am less anxious. I’ve found that the partners I have frequent sex with truly care more. Our sex is generally much better because we have taken time to know each other’s bodies.
  2. Understanding that my partner is doing this because she wants to. It took me until college that I realized that other women enjoy fucking other women too (including me)! I think this is also a common way of thinking, among women of all sexualities. Once I understood (usually through talking with my partner), that she gets turned on through fucking me (the same way as I do when fucking her), my anxiety just dropped massively.
  3. Figuring out what I enjoy. This is what they mean by masturbating to understand what you enjoy during sex. While what you enjoy while masturbating is not always something you also want during sex, for me, most of it was. This can also change over time, so it’s not something I tell friends who have never masturbated before. Sometimes through the experimental nature of masturbation, you’ll find something you had never tried before, but love. Such are the beauties of masturbation. What I’ve found helpful is having my partner place her hand over mine to figure out what I do when I’m by myself. This is only really applicable for clitoral stimulation or fingering but nonetheless is very helpful.
  4. Communicating with my partner. This is KEY. Once I started communicating what kind of touch I enjoyed, sex was amazing. Coming hard by yourself is great, but the first time a woman made me come hard, it was amazing. Like better than pizza, and I love pizza. The intimacy and closeness I felt with my partner when she made me come for the first time (and then for times after that) was great. Communication is by far the most important aspect of sex and can intensify sexual experiences by a long shot.

Once I learned these four tricks, I was able to finally come at the hands of a partner and lessen my anxieties about receiving during sex which then allowed me to come harder and faster.

Women of all sexualities are sent subliminal messages that we are not allowed to want pleasure. Even if you’re a lesbian, the world views you as just another porn category. When I kiss a girl in public, I’m usually not worried about homophobia, I’m worried about men getting aroused by us. Women deserve to feel good and to feel good about feeling good.

Some anxiety is usually expected with sex (especially sex with a new partner), but overbearing anxiety that makes it hard to enjoy sex is no fun. As always, listen to your body. If it’s telling you that it wants to sit this one out, listen to that. If you’re feeling a little nervous but would love to try, then hopefully some of these tricks will help. I’ve found that through the years, my anxiety surrounding being fucked has lessened, so hopefully that’s the case for other people as well. Some people don’t have any anxiety surrounding being fucked, and that’s great. There are also people who for any reason don’t want to receive, and that’s cool too. I don’t fall into either of those categories and if you don’t either, then I hope this article will give you a little bit of clarity.

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