Bi-Curious Men “J” – Adam Martinez
Summer always made life feel as if it was at its highest. One girl I worked with had this friend named J. He was eighteen and a football, basketball, and track star. He was about my height and had the most beautiful dark chocolate skin I had ever seen.
He had this smile that made me melt each time I saw him. I couldn’t help but feel excitement run through my body. So far, all I knew was that the two of them were best friends. For some reason, he wanted her to give me his number. I had only seen him a few times, and each time we talked, it seemed as if we had been friends forever. He was a nice guy and was most likely just looking for some new friends. I was always more then happy to make a new one.
We had decided to meet at my job. Since he couldn’t go to bars, getting a drink was out. He offered for us to hang at his friend’s house, watch some movies, and have some drinks, since they were going out for the night. That would also give us some time to chat and get to know each other more. I thought that was a good idea. I drove us up to the West hills. Thankfully his friends already had the fridge packed with stuff to drink, so he decided to play bartender. We sat outside telling each other stories about our lives, and I filled him in on life on the farm. I learned he was just your all-American, -sexy black guy. The kind you would see in all the movies. Smart, great at sports, the one all the girls wanted. I wondered why he was still single.
I was sure we were only hanging out as friends, so I held nothing back. I was always open with my friends about who I am. I wouldn’t choose to go back now. J was very interested in my stories and was very accepting of anything I said. He kept the drinks coming, and for a moment, I felt as if we were at a party. J was being a good host, making sure I had everything I needed and that I was comfortable. This made me feel special. It was nice to feel like someone cared about you.
But I was no longer looking at him as a friend. When he spoke, it sent chills through my body. Every now and then, he would tap my hand or place his on my knee, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of wanting between us. Something was pulling me towards this man. I just needed to do all I could to fight it. Maybe it was the fact that I had been drinking, but something was making me react to every little thing he did.
Now that I had finally reached the point of being drunk, I walked down the way to have a cig and clear my head. I knew I was feeling something for him but shouldn’t. Not once had he ever mentioned liking or being with a guy, so he was most likely all about girls. I didn’t want to fall for someone who would become a friend then have to sit there and be upset when he dated someone else. The best thing for me to do was to just leave and make sure to only hang with him in big groups. If it were just us two, I would start to get excited and want him. At the moment, I would have to go home alone and sleep it off. He was such a beautiful man, his skin so dark. I had never been with a black guy before, so I was more than curious.
To my surprise, the second I walked into the apartment to say goodbye, he kissed me very softly and slowly, wrapping his arms around me. I let my body melt into him, allowing his desire and lust to mix with mine. I had been feeling something. My body had been feeding off what he gave. It wasn’t just an attraction, there was a longing. He led me over to the couch, and I did not fight back. We lay there kissing each other’s bodies while taking each other’s clothes off. That was when I noticed his ripped body, so muscular. I had never seen a man’s body in such amazing shape. We gave into the desire we both had for the other and allowed our bodies to become one.
The next night, I was out at the martini bar with Cynthia and Tori. I was excited to tell them about my night with J. There was something different about him. I knew it wasn’t just because the sex was so mind-blowing. I was really starting to have feelings for him. He was such a nice guy, and I felt like I could talk about anything with him. The whole night, we talked. I was so fascinated by him, though it was still way too soon to think into it. We had only hung out once.
“So you’re starting to like him.” Cynthia always knew what I was feeling.
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, I just need to take this slow. But the sex.”
“Well, you know what they say,” Tori laughed. “Once you go black…”
“Oh, trust me, I don’t think I can ever go back.” We all laughed and cheered to my amazing sex.
“So, I guess this means you’re going to see him again?” Cynthia said.
I shrugged. I hoped to see him again. “I haven’t heard from him yet, but it’s only been a day.”
“And if not, who cares. You had sex with a sexy black man.” Tori was right, but now all I wanted was to be with J again. Here I was once again falling for a man I had no idea even wanted me.
The next few days passed, and since J’s friend wasn’t working, he didn’t come in. I didn’t tell any of my friends, but I had called him, I just never received anything back. Maybe I should have listened to them. Maybe I should have left him alone. Maybe I seemed too needy, and now he was bored with me. And what if I wasn’t good for him? Yeah, sure, to me he was amazing, but what if I was just some hole that got him off? Too many things ran through my mind. I needed to keep telling myself to stay calm and keep busy. I was starting to think that maybe it was just a one-time thing. Maybe he was just really horny and I looked like a fun piece of ass. Thankfully, later that week he came in with his friend to do a little shopping. I helped them, talked with them, and pretended like nothing had ever happened.
Deep down it was killing me to stand there seeing him smile and listening to his voice. All I wanted to do was kiss his lips and feel him inside me, but I wasn’t going to act like some crazy person and make a scene. I would just be me and hope that worked for him. At first he was a little quiet and seemed a bit nervous, but soon he opened up. I made sure to keep telling myself that even if it was just a hook-up, he was hot and it was worth it. Don’t be stupid. Just act cool. And remember, no drama. I kept smiling and throwing jokes at them. I seemed to be putting on a pretty good show.
“So,” he finally said when his friend had gone to the fitting room, “thanks.”
“Not saying anything,” He moved closer with a nervous look on his face. “No one really knows I’m gay other than you and a few friends.”
I smiled, nodded, then walked away. There was no need to hear anything more. He would just try to offer an explanation. He was just a young, curious guy, and I happened to read the signals wrong. I wouldn’t blame him, nor would I even ask him why. All I could do was work and pretend nothing was bothering me. By then I was great at that. It didn’t help that he kept looking at me and smiling. I tried my hardest to stay away, but everywhere I looked, there he was, as if he was following me.
“So…” I turned to find him standing behind me.
“Yes?” I asked.
“You want to go out with me again tonight?”
I smiled. “Really? I mean yes, I’d love to.”
“Cool.” He smiled, acting a little more excited than I was. I knew this wasn’t a good idea if he was still in the closet.
“Hey, boo.” We turned to find his friend standing there. “I need some help.” They went back to putting a new outfit together for her.
I never really knew what was going on between them. I didn’t really care to know, either. She had told me once that they had tried dating, but that it would never work out. Of course I wasn’t going to ask him about it. It was none of my business. Although, I wanted to know what had happened, or if anything else was still going on. But everyone has a past, and we shouldn’t go trying to dig anything up.
So, rule number one: never ask, and you won’t be asked.
“I just don’t know what to think,” I told Cynthia over the phone.
“Well, just go out with him and see what happens. Maybe you’re overthinking this.”
“You’re probably right.” Like always, I needed to stop worrying and just go with the flow. Besides, he asked me out both times, so he must be interested in me. All I had to do was go out, show him how much fun I was, and let the rest fall into place.
I met J downtown, where we had dinner. I was able to drink. I felt bad that he couldn’t, so I grabbed us a few forties. We sat in the parking garage looking off into northeast Portland. “I have so much fun with you,” I said to him as we enjoyed the nice night breeze. He really was a sweet guy, someone I could see being a good boyfriend. When we finished the beer, we headed to my place. Once there, we went straight to my room. He kissed me the second the door was closed. We lay in my bed for the first few hours, talking and kissing. It was nice that we were actually enjoying each other’s company. That night the sex was even better than the time before after we lay there our bodies intertwined. Neither of us wanted to let go. We had found something good, and we wanted it to stay that way forever.
In the morning, he told me about college. He was so excited to finally be out on his own and be himself, not having to worry about hiding his secret anymore. He felt he was finally free.
“So, he will be moving out to Eugene in a month or so to get settled in,” I told Cynthia, Carri, and Tori that night at the bar. We had a few beers while Carri and I played darts. “He’s so excited about leaving and finally getting to be open about who he is and what he wants.”
“Oh, so he’s still in the closest?” Carri asked as she pulled her darts out of the board.
“Kind of, but he said that now was his time to finally figure out what he wanted and finally date men.”
“Okay, so that sounds great and all,” Tori said, “but are you sure you want to sit around and wait for him? Because God knows how long it will take for him to finally be where you are.”
If I decided to stay with him would I just be here waiting for him to come out? Yes, I could make the trip out there, but he was only eighteen. At that age, I was doing so much careless and crazy shit that I was still surprised I had survived. So, if he did go and I was nowhere to be seen, what’s to stop him? What if one night he got drunk and horny? I wouldn’t be there. So, instead of waiting, maybe I should just let him go. At the same time, there was something between us. The feelings I had, I knew he felt as well. That kind of passion didn’t come around that often. He was such a nice man, and I didn’t want to have to push someone like him away.
“With him away at school, are you sure you can trust him,” Cynthia said, doing what she could to bring me back down to reality.
“I know, that’s what keeps going through my head over and over.”
“I think you know what you have to do.” Cynthia knew I was sad, but I needed to let him go.
“Okay, tomorrow I’ll tell him he should just go to school, have fun, and see what’s out there. When he comes home, we can talk.”
“Smart move,” Tori said, handing me a beer.
It didn’t go as smooth as I thought it would. I told him in person. He fought with me, asking me to be with him, to wait. I told him that at his age, I couldn’t expect him to want to be committed to just me. J of course didn’t understand what I was talking about, though I was sure one day he would. He had to get out there and experience things for himself. He needed to be able to enjoy what this world has to offer. Being with me could hold him back from what he could accomplish. J was so mad that he erased me from his life completely and to this day I may never know what we could have been had I just let it all play out..…