When your heart wants two, but you can only have one.
Being one of the “popular kids” at school was something I never got used to. I’ve always been the shy girl who doesn’t talk to many people, so being known to everyone felt kinda weird to me. Maybe it was because of my blue hair. Maybe it was the title of “finest lesbian” they gave me. Maybe it was my “always-be-kind” habit, who knows? I had to accept things as they were and learn to deal with new things, because having someone confessing all the time wasn’t something that happened to me before high school.
I’ve never been strongly attracted to anyone until my senior year. It was common for us to search on Twitter our school’s name so we would know who were the new students, so that’s what I did. Then, I found this girl. She was a really pretty girl, but I didn’t know if she was into girls too. I sent her a “welcome to our school” message, and we quickly became friends (or should I say virual friends?). A few days after the school year started we finally met and then our friendship really started.
I fell in love with her in the blink of an eye. I had never felt so good being close to anyone as I felt with her, and my love for her was something I couldn’t explain. The problem is, I didn’t know if she felt the same way about me. To tell the truth, I thought she was completely straight. I started giving up on that feeling, and then that day came. She told me she loves me.
Being one of the “popular kids” at school was something I never got used to. It made me make out with a lot of girls. It also meant that if someone wanted to be my girlfriend, it was easier to give up instead. But this time it was different. I wanted to be with her, so I didn’t miss the opportunity.
Instead of being girlfriends, we were like friends with benefits, even though we didn’t make out with anyone else. Everything was going very very well, we were “the best couple at the school”, but for some reason we got further and further apart until we didn’t talk anymore. Everything I ever wanted slipped through my hands and there wasn’t anything I could do.
Making out with a lot of girls also taught me that forgetting them was very easy and common. And that’s what I did. I started to make out with them again, and even installed Tinder. I didn’t use it as it’s supposed to be used, but every once in a while I would open the app to spend some time. Then I find a girl who later became my girlfriend.
Forgetting the high school freshman was something I thought would be easy, but I was wrong. Two years after the beginning of my relationship I still find myself thinking about her. Was it my fault that we “broke up”? Does she hate me because of this? Would we have worked? Every once in a while I dream about her, and I wish it wasn’t just a dream.
I carry the blame for loving two people at the same time. I don’t know what to do about it and I don’t know if I should tell my girlfriend either. Is it really my fault for loving two people at the same time? Can I control it? Am I lying to my girlfriend? Am I cheating on her?
Sometimes I think the only way out is to ignore these feelings. But what can I do if the longing is bigger than anything? What do I do if, when I close my eyes, all I can see is her? I wish I could control my heart.