“BAM”, there I was in the pouring rain coming down the highway in my little old ford focus and I could feel the tension rising and building up on me. I thought nothing of it at first because it was just a little bit of rain, but that was just the start of it. The rain got tough, harder, and nearly impossible to see through but I pushed on. I could feel the steering wheel in the palm of my hand as I clinched tighter and tighter the harder the rain came down. I literally could see my hands turning a pink hue of red as the veins in my hands felt like they were on pause, sitting in my hand and not wanting to move the blood through. The rain just continued to pour and yet my heart was pounding, and I actually felt nervous like I was almost afraid, or maybe I was.
The ground seemed to rise up at me as the road filled with what started to look like lakes in my eyes, but I knew they were just small puddles. I was still on the road and I could clearly see that. The radio on in the car was a decent distraction, as to my children and wife sitting in the car with me helped keep me focused. Little did I want to let in that I was nervous about driving in the pouring rain, so I didn’t.
“Swish, SPLASH” I hit a large puddle and OMG my heart skipped a beat, I felt the car slide across the ground, and into the next lane we went. It was crazy because we were sliding on water and I had already slowed down but we slid anyways. I gripped the steering wheel tighter than before which I didn’t think was possible but I did or so I thought. I managed to steer the car back into my lane and was grateful that there was no other car near me. My heart was racing so much, but I didn’t want to let anyone in the car know this because I was once a truck driver and I drove through stuff like this all the time and didn’t even break a sweat. Though, I am nearly certain that everyone knew when the car slid that I was nervous but they never said anything. I slowed down even more from that point on and smoothly rode home because after a few more minutes the rain let up and the road became a clear view for a wonderful trip home.
The Effect of Hormones
The thing about hormones is you don’t really know what type of effect there going to have on your body and emotions, or even your fear factor. See I was once a truck driver as I mentioned, but this was when I was a guy and not a male to female transgender, now 6 months in on hormones. When I was a guy, I normally didn’t have this type of fear, I was more or less brave in the face of overwhelming odds. I mean I was still girly in my own private way, but everyone still saw me as a male. This extra boost in testosterone that I had, even though it was still on the low end of male testosterone levels it was still enough to challenge any sense of fear, and instilled bravery that I would have never guessed would have changed.
Estrogen and beta-blockers are what I take on a daily basis and they have drastically changed my estrogen levels and testosterone levels to meet female’s norms or the high-end levels of estrogen and testosterone. This alone can have some really funny effects inside the body, but trust me they are a welcome change. While it takes a bit getting used to because I am new to experiencing them and they have incredible effects.
Now just for this particle situation, they changed my tolerance for dealing with stressful and possibly dangerous conditions for driving. They put me on edge and made me think twice about what I was doing because this was not OK or safe conditions to be driving in. They made me worry when this would normally be a walk in the park. They heighten the sense of danger when I didn’t expect it and in reality, may have made me react more like a woman would in this situation. (Not saying that all women would be scared but some might have been.) This being said, I am not trying to sound dominate in my assessment of woman but actually an appreciation of the feeling and the situation. I welcome the feeling of being a woman and enjoy the fact that I could feel like I need it the protection of someone strong.
In turn, I am proud of being a woman after so many years of being a man that everyone perceived me to be. This wasn’t who I was and to experience the sensations that any woman could have is satisfying because it makes me feel as though I am who I have always been. Now personally, I think I am probably a prissy girl but I am OK with that, and I like who I have finally become; a Woman.