The roars of my – Natalie Blardony

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My body has never truly understood what it means to be hungry, much less my mind. I didn’t know what my voice even sounded like, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to hear that low, subtle grumble others talked about. I’d place my hand on my stomach, eager for the sounds, the vibrations that never came. Or maybe it came too often I forgot? I’m not too sure but whatever the case, hunger soon became this thing I hated. It stood for her voice and theirs and parts of my own. It reminded me of every inch I hated and every part of me I wish I could change.

Until you.

Until you came along and tore its definition out of my dictionary and replaced it with your own. Scrawled in your half-printed, half-script handwriting. Curved and broken, stitched together. All floating on a post-it note stuck to the walls of my brain for me to absorb.

Hunger was no longer this vision of emptiness. It didn’t stand for everything I wasn’t. For everything they wanted me to be. It wasn’t a reminder of periods in my life I can’t seem to always remember.

No, now hunger is the vibration I’d always wanted to taste. It moves up from my toes, slowly, slowly. It pulls up each individual strand of hair on its way, teasing me until it reaches my lips. They glisten, wanting, waiting. And I close my eyes and I am teetering on this precipice so high I can’t see the bottom. And I don’t want to.

This. This is all I’ve ever wanted. This is a hunger I can live for. One that never dies. One that keeps my toes curled each time we kiss. Each time your hand brushes against mine. Each time we embrace. Each time we dance or talk or run our hands through each other’s hair or move up and down each other’s bodies. It builds and starts it’s crawl. Hugging each line, each curve until I am engulfed.

You have lit me aflame on this edge I balance on, staring out far past the horizon, watching the waves imitate the ebbs and flows of the flames on my body.

You have given me this hunger, one I’ve searched for my entire life. And I’m not quite sure how to thank you for that.

Because now I’m able to feed off these vibrations that remind me, even when I’m dying, that I’m alive.

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