I Hate Being Treated like a Eunuch When I Tell People I’m Asexual

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First, let’s look at the definition of “asexual”, according to Merriam-Webster:

a: not involving, involved with, or relating to sex : devoid of sexuality // an asexual relationship
b: not having sexual feelings toward others : not experiencing sexual desire or attraction 
Source

Notice how the dictionary specifies

“an asexual relationship”

Contrary to popular belief, we actually do feel attraction to people, it’s just not in a sexual way.

Let’s take a look at the definition for “sexual orientation”. According to Wikipedia:

Sexual orientation is an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. 
Source

Wikipedia also specifies that sexual orientation can be sexual or romantic feelings. Most websites I found when Googling “asexuality” will tell you that “sexual orientation is whom you’re attracted to sexually”, inferring that those of us that identify as asexual are incapable of being attracted to anyone, but are still part of the LGBTQ community. And I’m telling you that’s just not inherently true.

I have never looked at anyone and thought, Wow, I’d love to have sex with them! I’ve never fantasized about it or felt that “making love” is actually a way to show someone how much you love them. I’ve never felt that “love” connection from sex, but I know that I love my husband and my first girlfriend from high school. The love I have for them is very different from the love I have for my son.

While I don’t feel a sexual attraction to anyone, I feel attraction in the sense that I want to be with that person. I want to kiss them, cuddle with them. I want to be “their girl”. I want to hold hands and do all of the cute things couples do. I’m not sexually attracted, but I can look at people and think, “Wow, she/he is so hot!” And once that physical attraction is established, I’ll start to have feelings of wanting to be with them (not in a sexual way).

Another popular belief is that we don’t enjoy sex at all, which is also untrue. Sexual stimulation (for the most part) just feels good, no matter who you are.Women and men can orgasm when being raped, it’s the body’s natural response to sexual stimulation, after all. So while we don’t feel that sexual attraction, sex still feels good like it does for anyone else. But, regardless of how good it feels, we still just don’t have that drive or desire to have sex.

Having sex with my husband has taken a lot of patience and understanding, and it’s something we’re still working on. He wants me to want to “ravage him” as he does for me. But those feelings just aren’t there. This used to cause a lot of arguments and strain on our relationship. He felt that I must not love him as he loves me if I did I would want to have sex.

I have sex with my husband (mainly) for one reason: I want to make him happy. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not grinning and bearing it, doing something that I absolutely hate. Sex just isn’t something I think about or go out and seek, but I also don’t feel like I’m forced or “obligated”. I choose to have sex for him, and I love that he loves it!

I don’t like “asexual” being my classification for sexual orientation, because when people hear “asexual”, they assume we don’t feel any attraction to anyone at all. And suddenly we’re like a sideshow freak.

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